Repetition compulsion
We may repeat behavioural patterns we learned in childhood in the unconscious hope of finally getting the love and acceptance we never received from our parents. When we are stuck in a cycle of pain and hurt with our parents, it can feel like an endless loop, but with insight and time, it is possible to break free from repetition compulsion.
What is Repetition Compulsion?
Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern where a person finds themselves repeating difficult or painful experiences—often without realising it. This might show up through recurring thoughts about the past, reliving emotional pain, or forming relationships that echo early wounds.
For example, someone who grew up feeling dismissed or unloved might repeatedly seek out relationships with people who can’t meet their emotional needs—hoping that, this time, things will be different.
Even though these patterns can feel confusing or frustrating, they often begin as unconscious attempts to resolve old pain. The mind is trying to “make sense” of what happened by recreating familiar dynamics. But rather than bringing closure, repetition compulsion can keep individuals stuck in cycles that reinforce shame, self-doubt, and emotional distress.
Understanding this pattern is the first step toward change. With awareness and support, people can begin to break free from old roles and build healthier relationships—with others and with themselves.
Why do people return to those who hurt them?
It’s not uncommon for someone to keep going back to a parent or caregiver who has repeatedly caused emotional pain—even when they know, deep down, that they’re likely to get hurt again. This can be confusing and painful. From the outside, it might seem irrational. But for the person experiencing it, the pull can feel almost impossible to resist.
Sometimes, people return out of hope. They want to believe that this time, things will be different—that they’ll finally receive the love, acceptance, or approval they’ve longed for. Other times, they’re trying to make sense of what happened in the past by re-entering familiar patterns. It’s a way of seeking closure or clarity, even if it rarely leads to healing.
In psychology, this cycle is referred to as repetition compulsion. It’s a defence mechanism, rooted in the mind’s desire to resolve unfinished emotional business. But instead of finding resolution, it often reopens old wounds.
This isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. In many cases, it reflects a person’s deep emotional loyalty, a longing to be seen, and an inner child who hasn’t given up hope. Letting go can feel like giving up on that hope—but in truth, it can be a powerful act of self-respect and healing.
When the Harm Isn’t Obvious
Sometimes, the most difficult experiences to process are the ones that don’t look like abuse on the surface. If a parent wasn’t physically violent or openly cruel, it can be hard to understand why a person still feels so wounded or confused. But harm doesn’t always come in dramatic forms—it can also happen through subtle, repeated patterns that slowly erode someone’s sense of self.
For example, a parent may have played favourites, constantly compared siblings, or made backhanded comments that undermined a child’s confidence. They might have dismissed the child’s feelings, ignored their boundaries, or made them feel like they were always doing something wrong. Over time, these experiences can lead to deep self-doubt, shame, and confusion about what’s “normal” in relationships.
In some families, a parent might appear helpful or concerned on the surface, while subtly controlling or criticising behind the scenes. They may tell a child they’re being “too sensitive” or “too dramatic” when they express distress, making it hard for that child—now an adult—to trust their own emotions.
Because these patterns can be difficult to name, individuals often spend years trying to justify or minimise them. But when someone steps back and begins to listen to how they truly feel—especially around certain family members—it often becomes clear that these interactions haven’t been safe or supportive.
It’s important to recognise that not all harmful behaviour is loud or extreme. Even subtle patterns can have lasting effects, and acknowledging this is a crucial part of healing.
Healing from Repetition Compulsion
Breaking free from repetition compulsion doesn’t happen overnight. The pull toward familiar patterns can be strong, especially when they’re tied to early hopes for love, safety, or approval. But healing begins with recognising that these patterns no longer serve the person they once protected.
One of the most important steps is seeing others—especially parents—more clearly. For many, there’s a deep wish that a parent will one day change, understand, or finally offer the emotional care that’s been missing. That hope can be powerful, even when past experience suggests otherwise.
Acknowledging a parent’s limitations can be painful, but it’s also freeing. It allows individuals to stop reaching for something that isn’t available and to shift their focus to other sources of support—trusted friends, partners, therapists, and most importantly, themselves.
This doesn’t necessarily mean cutting family members out of one’s life. In some cases, creating emotional distance or setting firm boundaries is enough. What matters most is letting go of the expectation that someone will suddenly become who they’ve never been.
A helpful mindset might be: “They can’t meet this need—not because I’m unworthy, but because they’re not capable.” Accepting this truth can bring a quiet kind of peace and open the door to more nourishing, reciprocal relationships elsewhere.
